Why I Can't Afford to Live Self Consciously Anymore (reposted from my tumblr)

WHY I CANT AFFORD TO LIVE SELF CONSCIOUSLY ANYMORE

My name is Batsy. I am a teenager. I live with a former single mom who is currently engaged to a beautiful woman. I am the oldest of three kids. I run my school's GSA. I am also a part of a cosplay group on Instagram. Finally, I am a volunteer teacher for 2-9 year olds. 

I do not like myself. I used to go look at a mirror and cringe at what I saw looking back at me. I considered myself to be my own worst enemy. I pretty much smothered myself in self loathing. But I can't do this anymore. I have two little siblings looking up to me. I need to be a role model for them and guide them to do right in this world? How can they follow me ahen I am always at war with myself? I teach children, young children. They are extremely impressionable. When I walk into my classroom, what am I showing them? I need to teach fhem to love themselves for who they are. I am president of GSA, I need to show my fellow advocates that we need to be strong in who we are and be unapologetically ourselves.

I have realized, I could be a force for good or I could lead a cycle of self loathing in generations to come.

Now, I'll admit there are times when I will slide, it happens. But if struggling with depression has taught me anything it's that no matter how much something hurts, no matter how bad the situation may be, no matter how much you wish You were dead; time will pass, the world will continue on and you need to decide to continue on with it, and when you do-.. Scars fade, pain numbs, feelings drift away. Nothing is going to last forever.

So, today I am through with hating who I am. I will love the person I see in the mirror, not only for me, but for the people that look up to me. I want to be that force of good for this world.

Book Review: Maxine Wore Black

This book really shocked me! I was in no way prepared for this journey the book took me on! I was so involved in the character emotionally that this book impacted me greatly.



                                                          
"Maxine is the girl of Jayla’s dreams: she’s charming, magnetic, and loves Jayla for her transgender self. There’s only one problem with Maxine—she already has a girlfriend, perfect Becky.

Jayla quickly falls under Maxine’s spell, and she’s willing to do anything to win her. But when Becky turns up dead, Jayla is pulled into a tangle of deceit, lies, and murder. Now Jayla is forced to choose between love and the truth.

Jayla will need all the strength she has to escape the darkness that threatens to take her very life."

What I Like About This Book:

 

• Alright, so right from the get-go I knew I liked the character Ermin. (Even if they are a small character) First off, I love how Francesca doesn't even hesitate to ask them what their preferred pronoun was. (Something everyone should get in the habit of doing.) When they answered that they just preferred Ermin, I fell for this character. As a gender fluid individual myself, it's always nice to have a non-gender conforming character to relate to.
• The book always kept you wondering. "Where was Becky's death going? Why was Maxine so interested in Jayla? Why was Danny so hostile towards them both? Is this a clue? Could this be possible foreshadowing?" These were all questions I found myself asking as I read the book.
• The book makes you question what you thought you knew. I knew I liked Maxine and I hated Becky in the beginning of the book. However, towards the end I found myself hating Maxine and feeling more sympathetic towards Becky.
• I love how they used transgender characters because I feel like there isn't enough books that have good, strong transgender characters. I also love how the book combatted the idea that all transgender people were heterosexual. The variety in these characters are perfect!
• To me. the length of this book is perfect. It didn't take too long to finish but it certainly wasn't a quick read either.
• Finally, I love the way Maxine and Jayla's relationship is portrayed. It shows how dangerous abusive relationships are because in the beginning you don't even realize it's abusive. You only realize after it gets gradually worse.

 

 

What I Disliked About This Book:

• There were certain parts in the book that seemed to drag where others were really fast-paced. While this helps with the tone of the book, personally it left me a bit confused.
• I wish we got to know Becky a bit more. All we really know about her is what other people remember, but we never got to interact with her firsthand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So in conclusion, this has to be one of my favorite books. It has such a wonderful variety of characters and a beautifully developed plot line. I enjoyed trying to figure out how the book would end, and then the book just completely surprising me afterwards! I honestly think if you are a fan of thrillers or mysteries, you should read this book.

 

I would definitely reread this book and recommend it to others.

 

5/5 BatSabers from me!



 



Book Review: Kings of Ruin

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MEN IN BLACK, ROCK N ROLL, AND LGBT YA ROMANCE HAVE A BABY? KINGS OF RUIN THAT'S WHAT! When I got this book in the mail, I was very intrigued by this book. The thought of alien cars and LGBT romance novels fitting together really caught my attention. The book that I shall be reviewing today is Kings Of Ruin by Sam Cameron.

Excerpt from back of the book:

"Danny Kelly cares only for rock 'n' roll and fast cars. Too bad he's stuck in the capital of country music and he's banned from driving until he turns twenty-one. Plus he likes other boys, a secret that he's vowed to keep until he graduates high school. When his stepdad's new truck roars off on its own, Danny discovers a secret that is endangering cars and drivers across America. It almost kills Danny, too, until he's saved by seventeen-year-old Kevin Clark. Kevin's gay, handsome, and confident, but working with his dad's secret government organization has left him lonely. It's going to take a weekend of car chases, fiery explosions, and country-western singing to save the citizens of Nashville from certain death—but can Danny protect his heart and secrets as well?"



Let's jump into this review before a King pops up!

What I Disliked About This Book:

• Timing. I know this book was made to be a fast read, but for someone like me who likes to savor the story and take their time getting to know the characters, this pace is far too fast. I feel as if I almost got whiplash reading this. 
• This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with this timing; I wish I would've gotten a better idea of the relationship between characters. How much does Danny hate Junior? How are things between Kevin and Mrs.Morris? Does Kevin see this woman as a friend? Perhaps a motherly figure? Due to the fast pace I couldn't get a good grasp of character's relationships. 

What I Liked About This Book:

• The concept. I really liked the idea of this book. I have never seen a book with an idea like this and I love that it's unique! The idea was also executed very well. 
• Visuals. Even though it has a fast pace, this book makes sure you know what certain scenes look like. What color was that car? It tells you, but it also tells you what Danny sees. Which is very cool. You'll get brand names, and sometimes you even get descriptions of sounds. This book really immerses you. 
• But what I liked most about this was that Danny and Kevin's romance WAS NOT the main issue of the story. This story shows, that yeah there are two gay teenagers who meet, but they have more important issues than falling in love. They have a world to save from aliens! That's important!

All in all, this book was really fun. Reading this book felt like a high-speed car ride, fun and fast. I would  give it 3.5 BatSabers and I would recommend this book to a couple of people. It's truly unique so if you are looking for something different to read; try out Kings of Ruin? 

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Book Review: The God Box

Alright you guys. This has to be my favorite book so far! This book sent me on such an emotional rollercoaster. This book is called The God Box by Alex Sanchez.

Excerpt from back of the book:
"Paul has dated Angie since middle school, and they're good together. They hav a lot of the same interests, like singing in their church choir and being active in Bible Club. But when Manuel transfers to their school, Paul has to rethink his life. Manuel is the first openly gay teen anyone in their small town has ever met, and yet he's also a committed Christian. 

Talking to Manuel makes Paul reconsider thoughts he has kept hidden, and listening to Manuel's interpretation of Biblical passages on homosexuality causes Paul to re-evaluate everything he believed. Manuel's outspokenness triggers dramatic consequences at school, culminating in a terrifying situation that leads Paul to take a stand."

Whew did you get all pumped up reading that description or was it just me? Okay, got off topic there. Let's just jump right in.

                                                       

What I Didn't Like About This Book:

• Alright this one is more of a misunderstanding but, what I didn't get is out of all the people in their school, how did Manuel know that Pablo was gay? He had a girlfriend, and was with the strong Christians, so it would be hard to know.. Right? Well I guess not. I guess some people really are equipped with the supposed "Gay-Dar". 
  

(I don't know if it's just me but the Gay-Dar seems like an owl swooping in on it's prey. Like out of aaaalllll the possibilities the owl still finds the little mouse.)

• I know that Pablo had to leave Angie because he was just leading her on, making her believe that he loved her but.. I just was so in love with their relationship that it broke my heart a bit. 

What I Liked About This Book:

• BIBLICAL DEBATES! On many occasions, there were battles between Christians using the bible. I love that! Each side can both learn something from the other and you just get to see how entirely different people interpret the Bible. 
• ANGIE. Angie was a beautiful character! She supported Pablo no matter what, even after he left her. Why? Because she loves him (as a best friend and romantically) and just wants his happiness. Not just that, she is understanding of Manuel and even sticks up for him against the hateful members of the bible club. 
• I love Manuel's take on the bible and religion. Such as calling God a "she" and proving how loving someone is not a sin. 
• My feels! This book made me laugh, and it really made me cry! You know why this is a good thing? If a book can make you feel that much for fictional characters, and transport you into their world, then it's done it's job!

This book was amazing! It was so well written and the pace was perfect! I give it 5 out of 5 BatSabers and I would recommend it to EVERYONE I knew. Seriously, if everyone read this book, the world would be a lot more understanding to each other. 

Book Review: Geography Club

During my "quest" to discover more YA LGBT+ books, my aunt recommended me a book titled, Geography Club written by Brent Hartinger. So grab your compasses, globe, and maps.. Because we're joining the Geography Club!

Excerpt from back of book:

"Russel is still going on dates with girls. Kevin would do anything to prevent his teammates on the baseball team from finding out. Min and Terese tell everyone they're just really good friends. But after a while, the truth's to hard to hide-at least from each other-so they form the "Geography Club." Nobody else will come. Why would they want to? Their secret should be safe."

                                                        

What I Dislike About This Book:

• The timing in the beginning. I think it was a bit rushed. On page 1, is where the story starts. We learn about Russel being a closeted gay, we learn about his insecurities in men's lockers room, even the cliques in the school. And then BAM! On page 21, Kevin and Russel have already met, they both know each other are gay, and are planning to meet again? What? I think the author could have taken a bit more time and not rushed things in the first two chapters. From there, however, I didn't have to much timing issues. 
• We didn't get to know Ike very well in my opinion. Though the story is in first-person and it is centered around Russel, I just wish Russel could have tried to talk to Ike more just so we can get a better feel for who he was as a character. 

What I Like About This Book:

• The humor. Because this book was written in first-person, centered on Russel, you got to get into his thoughts. AND I LOVE THAT! He's a teenager and he has his sarcastic teenage humor, I just love it!
• The different representation of different members in the LGBT community. We had three gay men, one lesbian, and one bisexual girl. Not to mention their three straight allies! The only thing that could have made it better is if they had a transsexual member or a gender queer member. 
• *SPOILER ALERT*Russel's big decision. In the end of the book, we see Russel talking to Kevin about their relationship. He's hoping in his mind that there will be someway, anyway for them to stay together, he didn't care what it was. Then Kevin says he wants to be with Russel, but no one else can know, they have to keep it under wraps. Russel knows he deserves so much more than that, so he leaves. Although it broke my heart to see Kevin actually cry, Russel deserved to be loved, and loved publicly, not having to hide just to save some reputation. 

So over-all it was a pretty good book. It made me laugh a lot, in the end it also made me cry. It was diverse, and it was different. I give it 3.5 BatSabers because, although it was wonderfully written, for me it just lacked that wow factor that leaves you hung on the book. If it weren't for that, I would have given it more. I still think it's hilarious and I would re-read it, as well as recommend it. 

Anime Review: Kuragehime/Princess Jellyfish

Kuragehime (or Princess Jellyfish in English) is an anime program that debuted in 2010. (Now before you fans kill me, I am only talking about the anime here!) It is written by Akiko Higashimura and is licensed by Funimation. The anime is about a young fujoshi (which is the female version of an otaku. For those of you who are unaware of these Japanese phrases, an Otaku is pretty much a nerd, dork, you name it. It is used as an insult in Japan)named Tsukimi who moves into Amamizukan, a home for women. None of the women have boyfriends, which goes hand-in-hand with their no boys rule, and all of them are fujoshi to the core. Tsukimi has always had this obsession with jellyfish and had always hoped she'd one day turn into a beautiful princess like she told her mother. One day, when visiting her favorite jellyfish, Kuwawa (Clara in English) at a pet store she notices a deadly jellyfish in it's tank. In a dispute with a worker at the store, a young woman named Kuranosuke steps in. Upon seeing Kuranosuke's beauty and confidence, the owner hands over the jellyfish to Tsukimi. After this, Kuranosuke is set on becoming friends with Tsukimi and always hanging out with her at Amamizukan. This poses two problems: (1) Kuranosuke reveals that she is actually a he dressing as a woman. (2) Kuranosuke is far too beautiful for the other members to feel comfortable. The anime continues on their journey through friendship where Tsukimi is faced with problems such as relationships, heartbreak, financial struggles, and self-confidence.

What I Dislike About This Anime:

• In the beginning we hear about her trying to become an illustrator, and although I know she needed to focus on designing dresses, I wish we could have seen just a bit more of her working to be an illustrator. 
• Kuranosuke's uncle. This one is personally biased but I just don't get him. Although he's hilarious, he confuses me. Like where the heck did he get that schoolgirl uniform?!

What I Like About This Anime:

• TSUKIMI!!!!!!!! I see a lot of myself in her aind the issues she was having with her self-esteem, I saw myself having. Seeing her overcome these struggles made me feel a lot better as a person. 
• The feeling I got when I finished this anime. If you know me, you would know that my favorite anime is Kuroshitsuji, but not even that anime feel the way this anime made me feel. My heart got a whole lot lighter, and I even felt a surge of confidence from watching this anime. I think as an anime, if it can change you for the better like this, then it is a GREAT anime. 
• Kuranosuke and Tsukimi's relationship. As much as it pissed me off that they actually never went out, their relationship was still beautiful. Kuranosuke really cared about her (and not entirely in a romantic way, in the beginning it was just friendship) and loved her. He worked hard and wanted her to see herself the way the he sees her. That is beautiful to me. 
• The humor. The humor in this is just light, innocent (well sometimes), and just relatable! Even if we aren't fujoshis like the women in this (or heck even women!) there is something everyone can relate to in this!

So, overall this is a wonderful anime and I could recommend anyone to watch it. Heck, I would watch it over and over again if I could. I give this anime 5/5 BatSabers.

Book Review: Caught In The Crossfire

Alright, I'm just gonna start off by saying until recently I have not read many LGBT YA books. I am not sure why, but it was just something I never got around to doing. Well my aunt had given me a couple books and I am now in love with the genre and I can't wait to read the next one.

One of the books I read and will be reviewing is called; Caught In The Crossfire it is written by Juliann Rich. 

The book is about two boys who meet at Spirit Lake Bible Camp. The first boy is Jonathan Cooper, a firm believer in God who had come from a military household. The second boy is Ian McGuire who is a new face at bible camp. Ian is open about his sexuality and argues openly about it to those who believe otherwise. Jonathan keeps information about his sexuality more closed off, not sure exactly how he feels, and scared to how others would react to it. Ian knows what could happen between the two of them if only Jonathan admitted his feelings. However, Jonathan is in the middle of a battle between his belief in God and how he feels about Ian. When an actual disaster happens and Ian is in danger, Jonathan is forced to make a decision that could change his life. 

What I Dislike About The Book:

• Honestly, I can't put too much in this space because I really loved the book. However I guess if I have to the things I dislike about the book are;The ending. I know it makes room for other books to come out, but I'm a person who JUST HAS to know what's going to happen next. Now that I'm left in the dark in this one I can only guess what's going to happen between Jonathan and Ian! All we know is that a friend request from Jonathan to Ian has been made! Do we know if Ian accepts? No! Do we know if they still talk to each other? No! What about that book? Zip. Do we know if they ride off in the sunset together? Okay well obviously not, but still! This is still a good job on the author's part though because now once that next book comes out, I'm snatching it up as soon as possible. 
• I wish we could have gotten a bit more information about Jonathan's relationship with his mother after she found out he was gay. We know she made an effort to try and talk to him on the way back from Bible Camp but he refused and that was that. All we get is a couple of sentences from her and that she is driving him home. But how does she really feel about him being gay? How does she feel about Ian? Does she still accept him? We don't really know. 
• Finally in this category, is Ian's overall relationship with his foster family. He speaks about them briefly but we don't get too much information about how they feel about him or vice versa. We don't even get time to meet them when Ian is taken home from Bible Camp. 

What I Like About The Book:

• Different types of Christians. Love it. Love it. Love it. We get to see Christians of all different types! There's Paul, who is a great leader, but more or less stuck in his ways. He is a bit critical of things that are against "what the bible says" and tries to "fix" people. He obviously doesn't mean to hurt people, but his ways are a bit offensive. There's Simon. He is in my opinion someone who you could see running a Youth Church. He is knowledgeable in this bible but is not boastful about it. His relationship with God is strong, but he does not criticize or judge others. He's very understanding. Then there's Dawn. Her family does not understand God and hates that she is apart of the church. You don't often see this situation happening as it is sometimes the other way around. You have Jonathan, he is still what we call a baby Christian. He's learning about God and he still has so much to learn. He is also now apart of the small yet growing, LGBT Christian community. Ian isn't exactly a Christian but it's quite obvious that he's a bit curious. He told Jonathan, he's not a Christian, but he's not an Atheist either. He has a feeling about God but I don't think he quite understands Christianity yet.
• I love that Jonathan was not forced to choose between Christianity and being gay. I see a lot of members of the LGBT community who think they have to choose, that they can't be both. But you can! This book just goes to show it! On this topic I would like to refer to one of my favorite lines from this book, "Thank you God for loving me just as I am."  
• I love the character development. I have always been a sucker for good character development. Obviously, if you have been through everything these characters have been through, you would not stay the same. Your personality is bound to change somehow. For example, in the beginning of the book, Jonathan is a firm Christian, firm in his beliefs, knows who he is. When he meets Ian, this starts to change. His beliefs falter and he isn't sure of who he is anymore. We see a good example of this in chapter eleven; "Light glinted off the gold cross that hung from my neck. One hard yank and the chain broke. The cross landed on the grimy floor. The boy in the mirror was still a stranger. But at least he isn't a liar." Because he is scared to admit how he feels about Ian, he loses sight of who he is. As we get to the ending, he realizes his feelings for Ian and we see him getting more confident in himself again. 
• I put this in the dislike category, but I'm going to put it here for the exact same reason. Although I hate not knowing what's going to happen next, it stuck in my head (I dreamed about the night after I finished the book!) and made it hard to forget. Because the book didn't have a solid ending, there is room to add another book and it also leaves the reader guessing the possibilities. 

Conclusion 

I really loved this book. I would read it over again if I could and I would definitely tell others to read it as well. So I give this book 5 stars, two thumbs up, and all my tears that were shed reading it. I am so glad I got the opportunity to read this. Now go little jedis and find yourself a copy so you can see what I'm talking about!